How to Not Date Like a Dumbass

Sometimes as I’m thinking about what topic I want to write about next I’ll go on a hunt for inspiration. Last week, with more work than dating happening in my life, I was forced to go out on a crusade to get a story to cover. Lucky for me, it was as easy as sitting down and drinking a glass (or three) of Malbec.

I’ve been on the road for the last month and was staying at a hotel in Hermosa Beach, CA. With plenty of quaint little watering holes to choose from, I picked the most date-destination type of place. I had been there before on dates, so I knew that it was a fave amongst us singles – ceviche dishes that are great for sharing, a busy, yet tame atmosphere and an attractive ambiance. There was one chair left at the bar and it sat tightly between a couple on a date and 2 women in their 40s having what appeared to be a “girls night out.” It was perfect, so I squeezed in, ordered my bad-decision-in-a-glass and proceeded to eavesdrop like it was my job, because it is.

The older ladies laughed like fat chicks over the ups and downs of their dating. One was newly single after 15 years of marriage, while the other was dating a dude for over a year. I strained my ears to capture their stories, but it was as exciting as a storyline for Martha Stewart’s cooking show with less spiciness or anything that burns when too hot.  So I focused my intrusive attention on the couple who was clearly on a first date. The girl was the pretty-next-door type, wore a respectful yet slightly teasing top with jeans and the dude was a fairly big build with a nice button-up on. They drank, shared a variety of dishes and seemed to be having somewhat of a good time. “Seemed” being the operative word.

I watched them, listened in and took notes. Yes, I’m THAT annoying and honestly do this every time I’m out. I paid attention and ended up adding to a list I’ve been compiling about what not to do on dates. Although I continually write articles on this subject, it never ceases to amaze me how the list never seems to end. So despite my urges to avoid redundancy, here is what both men and women should not do while on a date:

1. Shut the F*#k Up

That’s what I told the dude when his gal went to the bathroom. We made idle chit-chat and then I asked him if he was on a first date. He said yes, then asked how he was doing. I sat through three glasses of wine, two boxing matches and a Fuel TV special on Rusty Malinoski and that guy talked about himself all the way through it. Not once did he ask her a question or allow her to even contribute to his conversation about himself. Too polite to say anything, the girl just endured his humdrum blabbering and was no doubt paying attention to the pores on his nose rather than the aimless him-talk that was pouring out of his flapping jaws. Talking is just noise traffic if there aren’t two people engaging and creating a conversation. If you’re nervous, ask questions. If the other person is shy, ask questions. If you’re bored, drink until they start to seem interesting. But whatever the situation, don’t be a self-centered converser, it’s boring and rude.

2. Swallow

Your mother taught you, your grandma would smack you for doing it and yet you still talk with your mouth full. I unfortunately see more girls do this than dudes and I attribute that to the fact that women are rarely ladies anymore. Thanks Women’s Rights Movement, the sexual revolution of the ’80s and reality shows; you’ve created manner-lacking whores with daddy issues and the class of Britney Spears on a panty-less coke binge. There is enough time in a date to chew, swallow then speak. I can guarantee nothing is important enough to say where looking like a heathen is worth it.

3. Drink in Unison But with Moderation

She has switched to water but you’re ordering another vodka soda – take a hint. He is sipping on a beer while you’re drinking your wine like there’s a wedding ring at the bottom of the glass – take a hint. If you have to drink to date then you may want to consider attending a date with AA, rather than the opposite sex. No one is attractive when drunk and no one makes good decisions when alcohol and their genitalia are making them for you.

4. Phone Vexing

While on a date, unless you’re a doctor or Donald Trump, your phone should not be on the table, sitting next to you or anywhere within eyeshot. You aren’t that important and going a few hours without checking your Facebook updates won’t kill you. Just because it has become a social norm to be technologically rude doesn’t mean you need to jump on the cell bandwagon. Your date will take note of your phone manners and trust me, both women and men think it’s arrogant and unattractive if they’re on a date with you and your phone.

5. Unless It’s Your Profession, Don’t Talk About Beating People Up

Girls are not impressed by stories of you getting into it with a guy at a bar, or how you beat some guy up for checking out your last girlfriend. Bruiser stories don’t make our bloomers wet, it shows us that you’re immature, hot-tempered and slightly socially retarded. So, unless your name is Pat Barry, save the meathead tales for your boys while throwing back some beers. And if you’re a girl talking about your blood shedding ways, well then you’re an entirely different article in itself.

Dating, just like anything in life, should be enjoyable. It shouldn’t require all of these rules, but then again, just like anything in life, there needs to be structure and limitations. While I sat and listened to these potential lovers, I took note not only of the things they did wrong, but also noticed just how hard dating has become for the sexes. Whether it is because our social fibers as a whole have deteriorated or because there are so many more elements in our lives that confuse an already perplexing situation – either way, dating isn’t easy. Regardless, you can be a little less of a dumbass by implementing the basic manners and respect for others that your parents instilled upon you.