Aphrodisiacs? Skip the Oysters

We’ve all heard the claims – oysters, Spanish fly and chocolate (among others) are purported to be natural aphrodisiacs. The truth, however, is that countless scientific studies have shown otherwise. Aside from a placebo effect, it turns out these agents have no such benefits. So, without the aid of shellfish, herbs, or a Mr. Goodbar, how can a guy increase his odds to score?

The following are tried and true female aphrodisiacs. Most take effort, some take skill, all have a significantly higher success rate than green M&Ms:

Bond, James Bond

Resist any frat-boy inclinations to fake one but, if you have an English accent, it’s going to open some doors. If you don’t, just know you’re playing from behind.

Heaven Scent

There is a scent that resides somewhere between your dad’s Polo and your nephew’s Axe. It is crisp and clean and oh-so-sexy. Do yourself a favor and find it – she will return the favor by getting closer than necessary to take it in. Word of caution: If the label contains the words “old” or “spice” or “patchouli”, you are on a road bound for nowhere.

Whet Her Appetite

You know the old adage that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? Whip her up a meal that doesn’t have “Hungry” or “Man” in the title and see if that same map doesn’t lead you right to her happy place.

SPF (Sex Possibility Factor)

Just because she works hard to avoid tan lines herself doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make like a field hand and get some. It will remind her that you’re still a man (despite the recent chest waxing that screams otherwise) and it assures her that you are the active-type, not the “World-of-Warcraft-in-your-mom’s-basement type’). It even gives her hints as to what activities you prefer. For example, sock lines whisper “golf”. Flip-flop lines scream “volleyball”.

Literacy Initiative

Read something – anything. Sure, she’d love it if you chose Salinger, Twain, or Poe. In reality, she’ll settle for Playboy articles and your daily horoscope (provided you read hers, too).

Dress For Success

The truth is, the bar is low here.  She doesn’t expect (or want) you to dress better than her, but you will get extra libidinal points if you adhere to the following minimal standards: No wife beaters, no jerseys (unless your name is on the back and you’re receiving the royalties) and please, for the love of all that is holy, embrace the new, baggy style of cycling shorts – you get a pass on this one if your name is Lance and you look smashing in yellow.

The Last Boyscout

She understands that in today’s world, garage doors open at the push of a button, someone else can change your oil in thirty minutes or less and tool belts are becoming obsolete. Still, thousands of years of evolution have left her G-spot inextricably linked to the pilot light on her furnace, and you’ll be amazed how well she fits in the backseat of your car after she’s watched you change a flat.

Last Comic Standing

This is a variation on strip poker. Each time you make her laugh, she mentally (or physically) removes an article of your clothing. Use lines from Harold and Maude to tickle her funny bone and it won’t be the last thing she lets you tickle.

Oral Fixation

Nothing makes her want to let your mouth wander like a good set of teeth. She isn’t looking for perfection here, but do yourself a favor and brush regularly, make like a grown-up and floss, and invest in some whitening trays. Remember: two shades whiter is sexy, five shades whiter is frightening.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

I’m not suggesting you pick her up in a Trans-Am with Poison bellowing from the cassette deck, but I am saying that there is nothing quite like a power ballad to increase her libido. Show me a woman who claims otherwise and I’ll show you a woman who replays the love scene from Top Gun in her mind (cue Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away”). You see, when we hear REO Speedwagon’s “Keep On Loving You”, it makes us think that you just might. And when we hear Def Leppard’s “Love Bites”, we believe, if only for five short minutes, that perhaps it really doesn’t. And when we hear “To Be With You” by Mr. Big, we aren’t the least bit concerned that you aren’t (Mr. Big, that is).

Of course, if you find that none of the above listed aphrodisiacs turn the tide in your favor, rumor has it a box of chocolates can work wonders.